Fighting a Faith of Obligation - Part One

BEWARE!! Long reflective 2-part post starts below...

The Discovery 

At some point in June I realized there was a shift in my attitude. I felt like I was fighting something spiritually and emotionally. I described this to others as feeling "dry" and certainly with the arrival of a desert summer, I did feel physically dry as well. My heart was not engaged. Not that I ceased to love those around me but the ability to pour into others was significantly reduced. My encounters with others were still sincere and enjoyable but they were less frequent as I felt them to be more draining than before. Not less did this apply to my relationship with Jesus and my faith. Cognizant of this change and not content with it, I felt myself fighting against it not even entirely sure of its name. It wasn't until today that the elusive term finally settled on me: Obligation. I was fighting a faith and a life of obligatory action. 


For the past year I think the statement from Nehemiah 8, "the joy of the LORD is your strength" has been true of my heart. Though not absent of difficulties and challenges, God always encouraged me with little joys each day. These sustained me and filled me with the desire to spend time with him and also to reach out to others. So when the same manner of encouragements ceased to make an impression on my heart in June, I was surprised and not at all satisfied with myself. I did not, and do not, want to read my Bible, pray, or serve others because it what I should do but because it is what I desire to do. I might also add that during this whole time I was consistently aware that I remained under grace, God was still faithful, and if I didn't feel close to Him it certainly wasn't an issue on his side.


Now I know that it's perfectly natural for a Christian to go through high and low spells in their walk of faith. This was certainly not the first time I'd experienced a feeling of dryness or obligation to my faith. In fact for the first couple weeks, I resolved to just continue on my course and wait it out, certain that with time and patience my joy would be restored. Psalm 51:10-12 was a very apt prayer at this time, "Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me."


Well, after a couple weeks of waiting, I came to realize that yes, it is good to wait for the Lord but seeking him out doesn't hurt either. Isaiah 55:6 "Seek the LORD while he may be found; call on him while he is near." So at the beginning of this past month I embarked on a series of actions to search for God's presence in my life and the eradication of obligation in my relationship with him and with others...